In a way, pregnant ladies are a lot like Betty White. They can get away with almost anything, albeit for slightly different reasons.  Betty White is cute, helpless and has paid her dues.  This entitles her to say lewd things on live broadcast television without tarnishing her image and- we can only assume- get away with murder in her everyday life.  Similarly, pregnant women are cute, helpless and are just trying their darndest to ensure the prosperity of the human race.  Therefore, the pregnancy condition propells younger women into a temporary Betty White-like status of being able to get away with almost anything.  Things like this...

1.  Betty White couldn't offend anyone if she tried.  Similarly, preggos should take note that this is the best time possible to break some hard news to a friend regarding their questionable lifestyle choices.  I think they're more likely to listen without becoming angry because if you've devoted a big part of yourself to creating life you must have the best interest in making theirs better.  So, now is the best time to tell the well-intending narcissist that she's only embarrassing herself with those frequent Facebook status updates about every detail of her life.

2.  Every girl wishes Betty White was their BFF because she's a hell of a lot of fun and totally unthreatening.  Recently I've had a similiar experience because in case it wasn't totally evident before,  "BITCH, I DON'T WANT YOUR MAN!"  Clearly, I have my own and my whale-like condition is the outcome of one of our encounters.  To further solidify this status, your man probably doesn't want me either because of some rather unflattering things that are happening to my body.  So, yeah.  Let's meet up for manipedis and talk about your sexy dating life and my cankles. 

3.  Yep, I farted.  It's cute because I'm Betty White or pregnant. 

4.  Much like I'm sure Betty White could make someone question their mental stability in just one wise, well meaning glance, pregnant women can make someone wonder if their drinking habits are borderline abusive by merely participating in a conversation about alcoholic beverages.  Goes a little something like this:  "Oh, you had a dry weekend and you feel great?  Good for you!  Did I mention I haven't tied one on in 8 1/2 months?  Nah, I don't really miss it much anymore. Haha!  I tell you what, I don't think I can even accurately remember what a hangover FEELS like! "  This is totally fine as long as the preggo is able to admit to herself  that any shred of enjoyment she gets from this manipulation is born out of a combination of wildly fluctuating hormones and spite for the fact that she can't drink, but would really really like to a lot. 

5.  Oh heyyyy business man wearing a suit on the street corner in the rain without an umbrella.  I know you're probably late to some important meeting and I saw you standing here before me with your hand out waving away wildly, but I'm gonna pretend I didn't see you and totally take this cab, ok?  This is fine because I'm Betty White and remind you of your grandmother or because I'm pregnant and remind you of your wife.

6.  This is totally unethical and not at all advisable, but if push came to shove and a pregnant lady were down on her luck I'm sure she could get away with some crazy shoplifting loot.  1- No one would suspect.  2- If anyone did suspect they would doubt themselves and immediately feel guilty about assuming.  3- If the preggo was busted she could always claim the spoils were intended for the betterment of the baby's well being.  Take it one step further and if that preggo robbed a bank and claimed it was "for the baby" she'd probably be labeled as a woman steeped in despiration and willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for her child, end up in the national media spotlight and make millions from a fund established and promoted by Oprah Winfrey.  Betty White could get away with robbing a bank just because it would be hilarious and cute.  A much looser association, but still relevant.

7.  Shotgun!  You weren't really going to make Betty White/ a preggo cram her delicate body into the back of that MINI Cooper, were you? 

Now, cast your imagination to a hypothetical reality in which Betty White undergoes some sort of advanced fertility treatments that allow her to become pregnant.  What vile, inhumane acts would she be able to commit free of blame, guit or moral judgement?  I have compiled a mental list, but I fear that posting them here would subject me to public scrutiny. 

Weak. 

Over the past few weeks it's become increasingly harder to curl my eyelashes in the morning.  I credited this to  a decrease in dexterity due to my advanced pregnancy stage.  Swollen fingers have a hard time working tiny metal contraptions, you know.  Well THIS morning it was especially hard.  I just couldn't grasp the little suckers so I got really close the mirror and took a look at my eyelashes and lo and BEHOLD... 

I'm preoccupied with my weight.  Not enough to be detrimental to my health, but more than enough to classify me as technically vain.  Anxious to get a handle on how long it's going to take the weight to come off post pregnancy, I devised the following mathematical equation.  Who knows if it's accurate, actually pretty excited to find out.

You can use your own figures, but for the sake of this exercise let's work with a woman who has gained 35 lbs in 9 months of pregnancy and gave birth to a 7 lb baby.  The equation assumes that the mom isn't working out, but is breastfeeding and is taking in roughly the same amount of calories she was when pregnant.

Total Pounds Gained:  35 lbs

Subtract the Following:
-  Baby:  7 lbs
-  Placenta:  2 lbs
-  Amniotic Fluid:  2 lbs
-  Increased Blood Volume:  4 lbs
-  Uterine Enlargement:  2 lbs
-  Fluid in Maternal Tissue:  4 lbs
-  Breast Enlargement:  1 lb

This leaves 13 lbs of fat that has accumulated over pregnancy. 

Breastfeeding converts about 400 calories of stored energy into milk a day.
There are 3500 calories in a pound.
Therefore, breastfeeding converts a pound of fat into milk every 8.75 days.
At this rate it would take about 3.4 months for breastfeeding to burn the remaining 13 lbs of fat.

Taaadaaa! 

Here it is, the week 34 belly shot.  After seeing photos of myself from my bridal shower I've been avoiding cameras like the plague.  Realizing that I indeed look every much as big as I feel was a very bleak point in my pregnancy.  I guess no one ever claims this to be the most flattering thing that happens to a lady.

You'll notice that I'm trying something new in this photo- I'm smiling.  I find this irony somewhat haunting.  Have you ever noticed that it's rare to see a smiling pregnant lady?  Pregnant ladies don't smile unless they feel like they have to.  Or if you give them a piece of flourless chocolate cake...OR if you were to tell them that the FDA just released the results of a new study that claims that contrary to previous evidence, wine consumed in large volumes is actually GOOD for unborn fetuses.

Another ironic thing about this photo is the tampon dispenser in the background.  I totally forgot about those things until the other day when a friend was complaining to me about a wicked case of PMS she was experiencing.  I guess I'll have to deal with that whole scenario again, right?  Wonder when that freakish operation will resume.  Just thinking about this makes me want to scream obsenities at the next man I see.  How do they get off so easy in this life?  Please tell me there's some sort of cross they have to bear that evens the score.  If anything I guess it would have to be balding or ball pain. 

I just want to go to bed. 

I'm on the receiving end of one of life's small lessons- what NOT to say to a pregnant person.  Thought I'd share.

1- "You don't look (insert unflattering physical description here)  today."  It's common for co-workers to inform me when I don't look bloated or matronly.  While intended as a compliment this implies that I typically look bloated or matronly. 

2-  "We're grabbing a couple of beers for happy hour.  Wanna come?"  No.  Surprisingly, I have no desire to haul my giant body down to the corner dive and watch you rip through $5 pitchers.

3-  "My wife gained 115 lbs during pregnancy and never lost it."  Well, I'm sorry about your wife's unfortuanate weight gain.  That is truly terrifying.

4-  "What are you going to do when the baby comes without a support group?"  I had to ask for clarification on this one.  Turns out she was concerned that my mother doesn't live nearby and assumed that I wouldn't have anyone to help with the baby.  This is a horrifying thought that instantly induces a wave of anxiety.  Fumbling for a response, I could only assume that she thought I was a single and therefore embarking on parenthood by my onesies so I replied, "Well...I'm married?"  This was met with a blank stare and I quickly realized that she KNEW I was married.  The conversation was officially de-railed.  During the 10 remaining seconds of the silent elevator ride I was able to piece together her belief that men are completely incapable of caring for babies. 

5-  "Are you SURE you should be (insert physical activity here)?"  Sometimes riding a stationary bike or doing some prenatal yoga is the only thing that keeps me from killing a hobo in a fit of blind rage.  Please leave me alone.

6-  "You probably don't feel like having a cocktail anyway, being pregnant and all."  By this logic ugly people don't want to get laid, homeless people actually enjoy sleeping on steam grates in the winter and people who lose the use of their legs never have the desire to dance again.  Comforting thoughts. 

7-  "From the back you don't even look pregnant."  I wish you weren't such a liar. 

8-  "Ohmygod!  I'm totally scared of giving birth!"  (girls who have never had babies say this)  Let's get this straight.  I don't give a shit about what scares you and I certainly don't want to hear you yap about it.  Go jump on a trampoline or wear a bikini or drink a martini or do whatever it is you non-pregant girls do.

9- "The epidural only worked on half of my body when I was in labor."  Awesome. Thanks for letting me know.

10-  "Did it ever occur to you that you're just a pussy??"  Mang said this to me one day when I was venting about being tired and nausiated.  The thing is, it HAD occured to me.  So this was less of a question and more of a confirmation.

It's been a good week.  I've officially reached the third trimester of pregnancy and I am feeling it.  In an attempt to not complain (and to spare you some gory details) I won't elaborate. 

We had an ultrasound today and bebe is looking good.  We double checked and she's still a girl.  From vanity's perspective I am pleased to report that her cranium appears to be perfectly spherical and she has a cute button nose.  The doctor was kind enough to entertain my neurotic questions about her brain looking normal and her weight being where it needs to be.  Seems like a healthy kid.  Maybe now I'll stop having nightmares where I give birth to an amorphous blob of skin, hair and teeth.

In other news, it seems as if I've managed to brainwash myself out of my fear of needles.  For those who know of my struggles with shots and blood draws this is a big deal.  I credit a mix of self-induced hypnosis and my newly adopted belief that motherhood generally makes people stronger. 

"WOAH!  LOOK AT YOUR BELLY!" comments started this week.

Ladies and gentlemen, the most comfortable chair of all time.  This is the "Newco Taylor Classic Swivel."  It's for sale at Babies r Us retail locations across the country.  It comes in two colors, this unattractive cream color (pictured) and also in a somehow even less attractive brown. 

Steve and I stumbled upon one during our first trip to Babies r Us and immediately started making fun of it.  It's easy to profile the type of person who would buy such a thing.  What's obvious is that they've totally given up on ascetics and good design.  That means they've probably given up on their identity, their personal interests and maybe even life too.  Losers.

I was pretty tired from shopping so I ended up taking a seat in the chair.  My entire pregnant body melted into what felt like a pool of liquid chenille.  Then I couldn't feel my body anymore.  Then I forgot I had a body.  All that was left was a warm, fuzzy disembodied consciousness.  A consciousness of pure golden happiness.  I imagined the time I would spend in the chair feeding my baby at all hours of the night.  I imagined the days spent pumping, surrounded by magazines and cliff bar wrappers.  Other chairs would look better, but it struck me that this kind of comfort is hard to find.  

The moral of the story is, we might be getting this chair for the nursery.  I'm just hard pressed to imagine that they couldn't make the chair a little more attractive if they really wanted too.  If this is their way of making some twisted statement about parenthood it's totally working.

It's such a relief to know your husband is excited about your ever-expanding pregnancy body.  Even if he shows it in really strange ways.