No one ever tells you how much daytime TV you'll end up watching when you're sitting at home waiting for a baby to come.  If you're embarking in your own pre-baby maternity leave journey here's a rundown of TV shows that come on while the rest of the world is doing things like working and going out to fancy three martini lunches. 

Kathy Lee and Hoda:  Sassy middle-aged women who drink wine at 10 am, yet refuse to eat candy because it's "not healthy."  They deliver hot topics from a gracefully weathered POV.   Sometimes Donny Deutch comes on the show and occasionally he'll do pushups during these appearances.  He ALWAYS flirts with Hoda and always manages to reveal his true nature as a total asshole.  Sometimes you're confused as to why you find KL and Hoda entertaining, but then it occurs to you that even though their “everywoman” shtick is totally cliché you would jump at the chance to be them in 15- 20 years.  Not a bad life, ladies.

The Nate Berkus Show:  You wouldn't be sad if Nate was your best friend because he gives great-looking hugs and he's chock full of awesome ideas to make your home look better.  Strangely after watching the show you can't shake a lingering feeling of disappointment in yourself.  It's because even though Nate's design suggestions seem easy enough and are totally affordable you realize that you don't have the talent or the patience to actually pull them off.

The Martha Stewart Show:  Martha is like mental Novocain with her monotone voice and that fuzzy filter they put over the camera lens to minimize complexion imperfections and (I can only assume) to make everything look a little bit more expensive.  Every third sentence or so Martha will say the word "pretty" as only she can, with a pointed and thoughtful emphasis on the t's.  This is just annoying enough to keep you awake, yet somehow not annoying enough to snap you out of the numbness of the Martha trance.

The Ellen Degeneres Show:  You'll wonder what magical Middle-Earth- like glowing serum Ellen drinks every morning that gives her a renewed energy to confidently dance through an audience of total strangers, back up to the stage, hop over her coffee table and land in an overstuffed chair, all the while smiling and laughing as if it’s the first time it's ever happened. You'll find yourself questioning the genuineness of her jovial nature and criticizing her wardrobe.  Then, you’ll wonder why you can’t just blindly accept Ellen like the mainstream media and middle America has.  Is this an indication that you’re jaded or are you just smarter than everybody else?  Here’s a tip, don’t over think it and try to enjoy watching Ellen dunk the latest cast off of Dancing With The Stars in an over sized water booth that somehow raises funds to benefit breast cancer research.

Oprah:  It's Oprah's last season so girl is checking items off her talk show bucket list.  “The Color Purple” TV reunion show, 40 grown men break their silence about being sexually molested as children, Marie Osmond talks about her son's suicide and then sings a moving rendition of “Pie Jesu” in his remembrance.  Oprah will have you in tears daily over things you never knew you cared about.  If loving Oprah this much officially qualifies me as a stereotypical member of a particular over-generalized Nielsen demographic, so be it.  She's got me.

Dr. Phil:  After watching Dr. Phil mediate volatile conversation for an hour you might be tricked into thinking that he’s a talented and qualified counselor.  This is merely an illusion of contrast seeing as how most guests on his show seem to be products of generations of inbreeding.